Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
how drunk are you?
Several
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
