I cannot find my penis.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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