my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
