i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
