i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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