Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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