That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
