do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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