I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Randomize
