she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
