When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
