soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
