i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you have to choose: penises or morals?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
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