meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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