I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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