I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
