If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize