dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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