I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
