You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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