you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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