yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
