You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
