his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
