How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
