Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
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