How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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