Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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