my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
