I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I smell like Dick and happiness
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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