My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
