Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
What a dumb baby whore.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
