How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
