Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
