Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
