before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
