he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
