i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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