When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
