just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
