Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
