I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
