I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
