You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
