I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
