Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
