mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
