If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
