Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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