Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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