help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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