I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
