Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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