i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
