Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
