Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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