The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
