Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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