i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
