does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
