My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
