Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Pants are for mortals
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
