Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Randomize
